morrigan disapproves

I’m strong as the dead, my dear, and that’s how strong I am.

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[Trigger Warning: Rape] So I emailed my rapist, and got a response…

I wasn’t sure he’d respond. I haven’t exactly kept in touch the past few years, so I wasn’t sure if that was still his email. But apparently it is, because he replied! And he’s being nice to me about it. This was a confusing development, but I’ve aparently processed it enough to be pissed off at him again. Fucker. I don’t think I should respond again, because I really don’t want to be drawn into a conversation with him. But I really want to say something about it. Fuck it, I’m just posting his response (but not my initial email, cause it’s super long and also embarrassing) with some edits for privacy, and some breaks for angry ranting. It’s ok, I know square brackets.

To [my name],

Firsty, I cannot deny any of those claims and won’t get abusive. I will not try to defend any of my actions.
I acted terribly, I realise. I acted out of selfishness and blind ignorance. That night when we had sex in the park
ok, we did not have sex, you raped me, I said it, so can you. I thought you said you agreed with my email?
, I look back and I think of what a terrible thing it was that I did. I was big-headed and arrogant, and didn’t think about any effect on you or [name of my boyfriend at the time, his friend]. I never meant to inadvertently rape you.
Inadvertantly? What in the fuck? You knew what you were doing. Knowing I thought we were friends, that I trusted you, you deliberately got me so drunk I couldn’t walk, so drunk I couldn’t even stay concious the whole time you were violating me, then you told me the next day you planned this out beforehand, calling it a ‘seduction’? THAT IS NOT FUCKING INADVERTANT, and I went over all this in my email you claimed you agreed with. The fact that you somehow thought this was ok at the time is not an excuse.
I was too head-strong, immature, and drunk. And as to what I said the next day, I have no idea why I said such arrogant things. I think it was out of a jokey arrogant confidence, and in hindsight sounds atrocious.

Yes it does, you fucker.
I didn’t take things seriously and didn’t realise what effect my actions were having on you.
It’s not that you somehow ‘didn’t realise’ it’s that you just didn’t give a shit.
Since then, I have grown up a lot. I have not since had sex without a girl without her consent and never with someone in a relationship. I don’t know how or why I did that to you. It is so far from what I would consider myself like that I hardly recognise myself in my actions. 
Way to distance yourself from what you did! You’re not even trying to take responsibility here, are you? It’s very grown up of you, I see what you meant. Wait, no, no, YOU AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO HAVE MORALS, ARE YOU? That last sentence, just…. what? WHAT? Also, you ‘don’t know how’ you did that…. uh, what you did was horrifying, but not especially complex. And apparently you don’t know why you did it either? Me neither man, me fucking neither. And also, the fact I was in a relationship when you raped me is completely beside the fucking point.
I cannot think that what I say sounds like anything but hollow words to you,
Correct!
but I hope you somehow believe that I am sorry. I truly am sorry, [my name]. How I treated you was terrible. I am sorry that I behaved so unkindly and cold-heartedly and abused your emotions so harshly. 
Uh, you abused more than just my emotions buddy. Try also: my trust, my body…
I do not expect you to forgive me and do not ask for forgiveness, as it is unfair to ask that of you. I completely understand your request to not see me and, in that vein, I will not attempt to contact you in [our hometown] or [town we both attend college in]. If I see you out, I will not try to talk to you and will let you get on with your life, uninterrupted from me. 

Once again, I am so very sorry, and will think about my actions,

From [his name]
To be honest, emailing him was worth it. I had a lot of things I wanted to say to him and I’m glad I got a chance to say them, even if they didn’t seem to sink in. It was important to me just to say them. Well, write them. Anyway, fuck him. That is the end of all contact we will have.

Filed under rape trigger warning personal total arsehole