I’m obsessed with numbers today. This was all I could think about on the way home:
I’ve been raped twice, I guess. I mean, it happened on two occaisions. The first time it was one guy, so that’s one rape. The second time it was two guys. So, do I count the whole thing as one rape? Or is it two, one per rapist? They were off their fucking faces on coke, having trouble staying hard, so they were both getting frustrated and taking it in turns to stick their dicks in. Does each new penetration count as a rape?
That shit adds up. Those two I know for certain. Do I count the guy who fucked me when I was black out drunk? For all I know I was encouraging him? (Or potentially warning him about fictional events as if they were real; blackout me is strange) He kept trying to fuck me again when I woke up in the morning, he wasn’t listening when I said no, so I compromised, gave him a blowjob. Coercion, I guess.
I’ve been sexually assaulted twice. (Or is it four times; should I add the rapes into this count?) Anyway, the first time, this guy grabbed me, hurt me down below with his hands. I was in so much shock, I actually got the police involved. The second time this guy was holding me down on his bed, kissing me, groping. I was struggling, trying to get out from under him. Hilariously, while I wasn’t able to get him off me, one of my flailing legs kicked his cello over (I attract a cultured attacker, aparrently) and he was so concerned I’d broken it that he stopped and I was able to get up and leg it all the way back to my flat. Is that sexual assault or attempted rape? He was pretty clear about where he was going. Maybe both. But if we get technical, and sexual assault is unwanted sexual touching, then any dickhead who’s grabbed my arse in a bar or club counts. I don’t know that number. Five, I think. Other stuff too, but I can’t write about that yet.
I’m trying to get this into a neat conclusion, but I have nothing. Rape + abuse + assault = ??? Massive trust issues. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Health problems. Alcohol problems. Self blame. Self harm. Long absenses from my course. Too many sick days at work. Disconnection from reality. Then what? I kill myself? or stop going outside?